Wednesday, January 23, 2013

This Is (almost, nearly, not quite, just about) 40

 Me:  Let’s go to the movies for your birthday.  I have the perfect movie, This Is 4o.

Friend:  But I’m not turning 40.  This is my, uh… 29th birthday.  Maybe we should see Lincoln.  It’s up for some awards.

Me:  I know the story and, trust me, it doesn’t end well for Lincoln.  This is the year I’m turning 40, so we really should see This Is 40.

Friend:  Okay, as long as it’s funny.

Me:  Well, Lincoln wasn’t going to be funny.

(Monday afternoon at the local IMAX.  No one, I mean no one is there.)

Me: Two tickets to This Is 40.  It’s my friend’s birthday, but she’s not turning 40.  I am.  Well, not today, but in October, you know, but it’s been on my mind since it became the new year and I did the math.

Girl behind Counter who is 19 at the most: BLANK STARE

Friend:  Can I have a large popcorn?

Same Girl behind the same counter with the popcorn machine right beside her: Uh, we don’t do that at this register.  You have to go two registers down to order food.

(No one is there.  It is a Monday Afternoon.  No one.)

Same Girl, the exact same girl, now standing behind a different register:  Can I help you?

Friend:  Fancy meeting you here.

(Inside the theater where there is an amazing choice of seats – maybe three other people are there.  Movie begins … obligatory opening sex scene … yadda yadda … Paul Rudd on the toilet scene ...)

Me:  I’m not finding this as funny as I thought.

Friend:  I think Lincoln would have been less depressing.

Me:  I’m renaming it.  How about instead of This Is 40, This Is Could Have Been So Much Better If I Had Thought To Smuggle Airplane Size Liquor Bottles Into The Theater or This Is How I Wasted Your Birthday Afternoon? 

Friend:  Let’s switch movies.

Me:   Good idea.  I feel like throwing popcorn at the screen.  I’m not because I’d have to clean it up if I did because there’s no one else here to blame it on.   

Friend: I was eating that popcorn until the toilet scene grossed me out.  Let’s go.

Me:   Okay.  What do you want to do start opening doors until we find one we like?

Friend consulting phone:  Parental Guidance is starting right now if we hurry.

(Back in the lobby, we address our favorite concessions attendant.)

Friend:  We’d like to switch movies.

Girl:  Oh you didn’t like it?  I thought it was great.

Me to Friend:  Maybe it’s only depressing and not funny if you’re almost 40, but hilarious if you’re 19.

Friend:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’m turning 29, remember?

Me: Oh, right.  How could I forget?

Friend:  Maybe there won’t be as many bathroom scenes in Parental Guidance. 

(After the movie – yes we stayed through the whole thing.)

Me:  Well, we couldn’t avoid the potty humor today if we tried.  Otherwise, it was cute.

Friend: I think we were off by thirty years, both older and younger for this one.

Me:  I told you we should have seen This Is Lincoln.  I don’t know why we didn’t.

Friend:  I think there’s a lesson we could learn from today.  Something like, never see a movie without smuggling in alcohol.

Me:  Yeah.  Or how about if a movie has a lot of potty humor, it’s probably going to be shitty?

Friend:  And then, there’s that, too.

This is .... my first novel, Going Barefoot in Greener Grass: Check it out :)
Ah, barefoot, green grass and thoughts of summer!


  1. This was really funny! And this is also why I don't go to "the show" anymore. I hate the whole scenario: 3 or 4 people seated in the theater with me. If it IS funny, I'm the only one laughing. It costs way too much money, YADA YADA! Oh, I love your comment about bringing airplane booze!

  2. Thanks Becky :-D Glad you feel the same way! I do wish I had stayed for the scene with Melissa McCarthy - I heard that she was hilarious!


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