This Is (almost, nearly, not quite, just about) 40

 Me:  Let’s go to the movies for your birthday.  I have the perfect movie, This Is 4o.

Friend:  But I’m not turning 40.  This is my, uh… 29^th birthday.  Maybe we should see Lincoln.  It’s up for some awards.

Me:  I know the story and, trust me, it doesn’t end well for Lincoln.  This is the year I’m turning 40, so we really should see This Is 40.

Friend:  Okay, as long as it’s funny.

Me:  Well, Lincoln wasn’t going to be funny.

(Monday afternoon at the local IMAX.  No one, I mean no one is there.)

Me: Two tickets to This Is 40.  It’s my friend’s birthday, but she’s not turning 40.  I am.  Well, not today, but in October, you know, but it’s been on my mind since it became the new year and I did the math.

Girl behind Counter who is 19 at the most: BLANK STARE

Friend:  Can I have a large popcorn?

Same Girl behind the same counter with the popcorn machine right beside her: Uh, we don’t do that at this register.  You have to go two registers down to order food.

(No one is there.  It is a Monday Afternoon.  No one.)

Same Girl, the exact same girl, now standing behind a different register:  Can I help you?

Friend:  Fancy meeting you here.

(Inside the theater where there is an amazing choice of seats – maybe three other people are there.  Movie begins … obligatory opening sex scene … yadda yadda … Paul Rudd on the toilet scene ...)

Me:  I’m not finding this as funny as I thought.

Friend:  I think Lincoln would have been less depressing.

Me:  I’m renaming it.  How about instead of This Is 40, This Is Could Have Been So Much Better If I Had Thought To Smuggle Airplane Size Liquor Bottles Into The Theater or This Is How I Wasted Your Birthday Afternoon? 

Friend:  Let’s switch movies.

Me:   Good idea.  I feel like throwing popcorn at the screen.  I’m not because I’d have to clean it up if I did because there’s no one else here to blame it on.   

Friend: I was eating that popcorn until the toilet scene grossed me out.  Let’s go.

Me:   Okay.  What do you want to do start opening doors until we find one we like?

Friend consulting phone:  Parental Guidance is starting right now if we hurry.

(Back in the lobby, we address our favorite concessions attendant.)

Friend:  We’d like to switch movies.

Girl:  Oh you didn’t like it?  I thought it was great.

Me to Friend:  Maybe it’s only depressing and not funny if you’re almost 40, but hilarious if you’re 19.

Friend:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’m turning 29, remember?

Me: Oh, right.  How could I forget?

Friend:  Maybe there won’t be as many bathroom scenes in Parental Guidance. 

(After the movie – yes we stayed through the whole thing.)

Me:  Well, we couldn’t avoid the potty humor today if we tried.  Otherwise, it was cute.

Friend: I think we were off by thirty years, both older and younger for this one.

Me:  I told you we should have seen This Is Lincoln.  I don’t know why we didn’t.

Friend:  I think there’s a lesson we could learn from today.  Something like, never see a movie without smuggling in alcohol.

Me:  Yeah.  Or how about if a movie has a lot of potty humor, it’s probably going to be shitty?

Friend:  And then, there’s that, too.
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This is .... my first novel, Going Barefoot in Greener Grass: Check it out :)

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Going-Barefoot-Greener-Grass-ebook/dp/B004O6MR2A

Nook: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/going-barefoot-in-greener-grass-audry-fryer/1107351346?ean=2940013595170

Ah, barefoot, green grass and thoughts of summer!

Keep Calm and Carry On ... Yes, I know I'm posting on a Friday!

It's been that kind of week.  

I'm thinking of amending my routine of posting every Wednesday for some spontaneity - a once a week post on which ever day happens to work.  This week, it seems like Friday will do.  As for Riley (pictured above),  $150 at the vet, two doses of doggie meds and an Elizabethan Collar (that's the plastic funnel he's wearing) should bring about his swift recovery from an infected splinter in his paw.

Elizabethan Collar - ha - he's like a Canine Shakespeare!    

I'm hopping onto the lastest trend to adopt this British WW II morale booster that's suddenly become popular for whatever reason.  I guess it makes sense even though there was really no need to "keep calm" (Me: "I haven't put up a blog post this week - Sound the alarms!") but I am going to "carry on".

Ice Storm from this past Wednesday

(I wish I was going to 'carry on' luggage on a trip to a warmer climate, but no such luck).

Possibly spiked coffee, Birdseed and "What hell is that?"

My thoughts one quiet afternoon last week: "Hmm, I could get back to writing Novel #2 since I haven't done that in a while - what with the holidays sucking every last bit of creative energy out of me - or ... I could fill the bird feeders.  Hmm ...Thinking or Mindless Doing?"  Hmm ... (Baileys allegedly found its way into my mug which was topped with a splash of coffee - Allegedly this happened.)  "Birdfeeders it is!"

Mug in hand, I filled the one feeder I have hanging in a tree in my backyard.

Careful not to spill my "coffee", I put a small amount of seed into the feeder outside my living room window.

And, for good measure, I sprinkled some seed onto the tree stump beside my lime green picnic table.

And, then I returned inside where I sipped from my mug as I looked out my kitchen window.  Several sips later, I joyfully observed the peaceful return of three little birds.

After taking another long sip, I peeked out my back door in order to spy on the tree stump.  There I saw that I had attracted three birds as well ....

only they weren't little and I think I heard a gobble.

I walked to my sink, 

poured the remaining contents of my mug down the drain

 and decided that maybe I ought to get back to writing ...

Onto a Bright New Year

Happy, happy, happy New Year!

I've been celebrating Christmas in some form or another since November 3rd - and that is no exaggeration.  Because on that day, I opened up the sales circulars from the major discount chains and started plotting and planning my course for total holiday domination.  This time I would learn from the mistakes of Christmas past and finally, do everything right.  By Thanksgiving, I was woman on a mission with the bulk of my presents purchased and prepped to be wrapped.  I eased into the morning of Christmas Eve confident and ready.  Then, an uninvited guest came to visit - the wretched Grinch Germ or the Un-Festive Flu or whatever it was.  In a blur of a week, the holiday that had held my focus for weeks and weeks limped and coughed its way to a dismal end.

Enter 2013: Now what?  I am alone in a quiet house for the first time in forever - or eleven days - who's counting? I decided to make the most of my precious free time by cruising around Pinterest.   Yes, I really should have been exercising or finishing my novel or, oh yeah, writing this week's blog.  BUT I FOUND MOTIVATION!  (Sorry for the shouty caps - It was to prove how motivated I've become - well, sort of ...)

Here are a few of my favorites.  As a special bonus, I've included my thoughts beneath each picture.  Prepare to be motivated (or possibly not) like never before!  Take it away Pinterest:

You really shouldn't be in other people's pockets anyway (well, unless it's Brad Pitt's pocket or someone equally as hot) .  And, not unless you really hate your car and want to pretend that it has been stolen - maybe then.   

Please help: If anyone can identify this woman, please don't hesitate to find her and let her know.

Okay, "BEYOUTIFUL"  According to spell check, you always spell beautiful without a "y" or an "o" and I'm missing an "a" somewhere. Nice quote, unless you like your words spelled correctly.

If the oranges in my refrigerator stand up and start walking, I wouldn't take a picture of it - I'd freak out!

If someone is telling you that the door says, "Pull" instead of "Push", then you should stop pushing harder and try pulling - but not too hard or you'll hit yourself in the face.

Unknown fact about this quote:  This guy, Eric Thomas, had been choking prior to saying this.

First of all, I think the first word is "Every" not "Very".  Secondly, be careful how far you chase your dreams especially near a cliff.  And thirdly, I hope this couple isn't having martial issues or this scene could end very badly.

If you're scared of heights, be your Down-to-Earth self.  You know, whichever works for you.

The picture is a little blurry because it's 5 a.m. and the kids are jumping on your bed.  This picture should say, "It's the little people, that make me crave caffeine big time" or "Get the hell off our bed, it's 5 a.m.!"

Something like that.

Or when others look at you with that forced smile plastered across your face, they become frightened because they think you're insane.

Why did I start?  I ... can't ... remember.  I think I'll stop now.