Blame It on the Dog

If you own a dog or ever have owned a dog, then you know the rule about placing the blame for every less than pleasant odor on your canine friend.  This morning has proven no different. I awoke to a smell that can only be described as skunk.  I was the one who let him out this morning. But, my husband let him back in, surely smelled him, said nothing and snuck out for work!

Here is my dog, Riley, culprit of many of mystery smells including doggie spa treatments of manure in the nearby field.  He looks a little remorseful just after a tomato soup bath.

On a morning that wasn't going well in so many other ways from my daughter yelling at me that I interrupted her beauty sleep by waking her for breakfast to finding my second grader's zipper pull for his school bag on the threshold of the front door after the bus already left to turning around halfway on our way to Pre-K because my son was crying that he forgot his glasses on the kitchen table to not really having a clear idea about what I was going to post today ... there's only one thing to say:

Blame it on the dog! 

(And yes, I have forgiven him for this skunky, stinky, no good, terrible morning just as I have forgiven him for biting the trashman, scratching up the woodwork in our house and digging a hole into the couch cushion!)

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And Then I Bowled like Travolta

I’m no expert, but bowling can be stress therapy.  Pins = crap in your life.  Bowling ball = instrument of kick ass.  Of course, this is only true if you happen to knock down some pins.

I’m no expert, but for a game that doesn’t require an instruction sheet, it’s not as easy as it seems.  I mean basically it’s pick up the ball and roll it.  Even toddlers can do that.  You don’t even have to know how to keep score anymore.  The computers do it for you.  All you have to know is how to properly spell your name and even that’s optional.

I’m no expert, but I’m getting old.  I remember the days when there were actual score cards and you had to perform addition.

I’m no expert, but doesn’t it seem like thinking about how old your child or a friend/family member’s kid has become, makes you feel old, too?  This weekend my son turned 8.  I know.  He’s not that old … yet!  Anyway, we decided to throw him a party at the local bowling alley.  It was so fun when his little friends got higher scores than I did.  So fun!

I’m no expert, but bowling without beer means an empty bowling alley.  At my son’s party, we had the place to ourselves.  Yeah, I may have allowed people to assume we rented the whole place, like Beyonce’s closing down of the maternity ward, but I’m fairly certain it was the lack of beer.  Also, I think it explains my lousy score.

I’m no expert, but what I didn’t do as far as knocking down pins, I totally made up for with what I’d like suggest to the sport of bowling: style points.  After much frustration including asking the owner for a level because I was certain that my alley in particular was tilted to the left, I just about gave up. And then … Are you ready for this?   And then I bowled like Travolta (the iconic Saturday Night Fever version). 

Isn’t that how the professionals do it?  And guess what?  I got a spare.  Oh, yeah!

I’m no expert, but everyone watching was so jealous of my moves.  I bet if any of them were to comment here, they’d say I looked more like Elaine from Seinfeld. 

See what I mean?  Jealous.   

And finally, I’m no expert, but I’ve been – ahem– “bowled” over with appreciation for those of you who recently have shared your kind words of support (and perhaps a “like”) for this blog and my novel.  Thanks!

And one more thing (for real this time), I’m no expert, but you’ve got to check out my new blurb above my list of followers.  It’s … er, uh … it’s … well, you’ll just have to read it.

Strike a pose or a comment or a like on Facebook:

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A Multi-tasker's Guide to the Universe

Such a bold title for this post!  I thought my other title: “A Few Impractical Ideas for Multi-Tasking Around Your Home” just didn’t have the same zing.

Ever since I discovered that I would be a mother of twins, I wanted to grow octopus arms.  I didn’t care that it would make me look like a freak or that buying tops would prove endlessly problematic.  I wanted an extra set or two or three of arms.  Think of how much I could accomplish!  I thought wouldn’t it be cool if the doctor who handed over my twins had commented, “Your arms are coming in nicely.  Lucky you.  You're going to need them." 

Since I’m stuck with the regulation two arms, I’ve had to rely on multi-tasking.  Interestingly, research tells us that men tend to focus on one thing at a time while women are more inclined to multi-task.  And really, that’s because we, women, are doing everything the man didn’t take care of when he was focusing on only one thing.  Sadly, research also states that people that focus on one goal at a time tend to achieve greater success than those that choose to multi-task.  So, I say screw trying to focus (we all know that’s a losing battle) and get better at multi-tasking!

Here’s a few tips from an octopus arms wannabe:

(disclaimer: follow tips at your own risk)

*Don’t waste time going to an expensive gym: When you hug your kids or pick up whatever off the floor, throw in a few squat thrusts.  Plus, pushing a cart around a supermarket counts as aerobic exercise.

*On the commute: Red lights are for applying make-up, aren’t they?

*Laundry: Fold, get caught up on your favorite reality show until a commercial, fold, surf the web to get inside scoop on said show, fold, call someone to discuss the show, fold, repeat as necessary.

*Dinner: Put out plates, napkins, utensils while filling drinks in the time it takes to reheat something in the microwave.

* Eat vertically:  Between bites and while properly chewing and swallowing, you could do all things that the person in your home that focuses should have been doing but didn’t.

One more, “like” me on Facebook (and maybe even share your multi-tasking tips) at:

 http://www.facebook.com/pages/Audry-Fryer-Author/207222035989970

and then post your status, check the top stories, the weather, your horoscope, watch a You Tube video, read this article which was the basis of my "research": http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2011/12/05/study-women-multitask-more-than-men/, e-mail someone ...

A Muffin Top, Several Hangovers and a Resolution-ary War

A few days ago the clock struck midnight and I, once again, became armed with good intentions aimed to wage resolution-ary war on the new year.

Let’s get my usual resolutions out of the way first.  Yep, over the holidays, I managed to become the female version of Tim Allen in that Santa Claus movie.  My Christmas alter ego, Mrs. Claus, had a good time overindulging in the three holiday food groups:  fats, sweets and alcohol.

So, resolution #1:  Be healthy in the new year. Blah, blah, blah, Jillian Michaels, blah, blah, blah.

Resolution #2:  No fear in the new year.  For this one, I’ll need to wage resolution-ary war on those little negative thoughts.  You know the ones that creep in when you’re just about to take a risk and go after your far flung dreams.  Actually, it’s more like a voice (I’ve given her the very unoriginal name of Negative Nancy and she sounds like a whiny woman with a Long Island accent) saying things like, “You’re wasting your time” and “Honestly, you call yourself a writer and this is the best you can come up with?”

Resolution #3:  Live, laugh, love … (Negative Nancy says this is a huge cliché and a lame attempt at a third resolution.  I will now bound and gag her and continue.)  

Resolution  #3 again:  A finished and for sale second novel, “Secrets, Lies and Apple Pies” by September 1, 2012.  AND, sometimes witty, sometimes insightful, hopefully a little of both, brand new weekly blog posts!

Sneak peek at next week:  "A Multi-taskers Guide to the Universe" (well, a partial guide anyway!)

Happy 2012!  

Bonus resolution:  Spread a little "like" in the world.  Find me on my author page at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Audry-Fryer-Author/207222035989970

and share your resolutions - even if you've already broken them!