Monday, November 16, 2015

Self Doubt is a Double Edged Sword, Guest Post by Destiny Allison

If you're woman living on this planet, you need to read this post! 
And, men, you can certainly benefit from the truths told here by today's guest writer, Destiny Allison, author of the soon to be released book The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage on Ourselves.

I'm so excited to launch Destiny Allison's pre-release tour! For more stops along the tour, click here for a complete list.

Self Doubt is a Double Edged Sword

by Destiny Allison

One morning, a couple of years ago, I came out of the bedroom wearing an old terrycloth bathrobe. Hair snaked Medusa-like across my head. My husband rose from the couch, pulled me into his arms, and whispered, “God, you’re beautiful.”

“Ha!” I replied. “You’re lucky I didn’t turn you to stone.” He kissed me gently and released me, turning back to his television show.

Later, as we headed out the door, he stopped me again. “You look wonderful.”

“No, I don’t. I’m having a bad hair day. Maybe it’s the new shampoo, but I just can’t make it work right.”

He shrugged, opened the door, and followed me out without another word.

That night we got into a terrible fight, another in a long string that threatened the demise of our marriage. I don’t remember how the fight started – I think I was upset he was flirting with someone -- but I clearly remember how it ended. He screamed, “You call me a liar all the time. You obviously don’t trust me. Why are you even married to me?”

I gasped in shock. “What do you mean?”

“Destiny, I told you, you are beautiful. You are who I want. I don’t care what you’re wearing, how messy your hair is, whether or not you’ve brushed your teeth. The beauty I see is in your eyes, the way you move in the world. It’s who you are, but you obviously don’t believe me. That means you think I’m lying. And if you believe I’m lying about this, you probably believe I’m lying about lots of other stuff. How do I combat that? How do I make you trust me?”

Sometimes, truth resonates like a church bell. I fell silent, listening to the reverberation.

Like most women, I look in the mirror a lot. I compare myself to others and know my looks could never stop a crowd. Thin, brown hair hangs limp on my shoulders. Wrinkles worry lips and eyes. No matter what I do, or how slim I get, my pregnancy-scarred belly sags and wiggles like jelly on a Popsicle stick.

My husband was right. I did believe his compliments were lies.

Self-doubt and self-criticism are vicious swords. They rip and tear with each invisible thrust. Double-edged and swung wide, they are relationship death. And yet, every day women succumb to them. In spite of our savvy awareness and the progress we’ve made toward equality, we just can’t seem to shake the conviction that we’re flawed.

In my upcoming book, The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage on Ourselves, I talk about how women suffer a thousand tiny cuts each day. Media influence, our mothers, even our best friends confirm our belief that we’re not good enough. That doubt is destructive to us and the people we love.

Learning to say thank you when paid a compliment wasn’t easy, but I had to do it because anything less invalidated someone I loved. Vowing to never again compare myself to other women helped me find something beautiful in every woman I met. If the mirror hasn’t exactly become a friend, it is no longer an enemy.

Equality and confidence are rooted in self-love, but as long as external voices control the conversations in our heads we’ll be relegated to the back of the proverbial bus. If we are to build healthy, loving relationships we must start complimenting ourselves.

About the Author:

Destiny Allison is an award winning sculptor and author. The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage On Ourselves, is her fourth book and due for release in January 2016. Other books include Shaping Destiny: A quest for meaning in art and life, and two novels, Pipe Dreams and Bitterroot. She currently lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico with her loving husband and rambunctious dogs. Find out more about Destiny Allison on her blog

Twitter: @SFSculptor

About the Book:
The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage On Ourselves by Destiny Allison
Sunstone Press (January 18, 2016)
Read a Sample:
Brave, raw, and unflinchingly honest, this book is a weight loss journey, a love story, a heart beating loudly on the page. Every day we battle against something–injustice, our spouses, our weight. Seldom do we acknowledge the real wars we wage. Repressing feelings and silencing our voices, we suffer under the surface, attributing emotional distress and unwanted pounds to the inescapable effects of hormones or age.
But weight gain, anxiety, and marital difficulties aren’t always so easy to explain.
In her poignant and touching memoir, Allison doesn’t offer recipes, exercise tips, or advice. Instead, she shows us how to stand up, express what we want, and develop empathy for ourselves and the people we love. In doing so, she provides invaluable insight for those seeking to lose weight, save a marriage, or make a significant life change.

Thank you, Destiny Allison for stopping by All Things Audry with your thought-provoking and uplifting post! For a list of more stops along the pre-release tour, click here.


For more information about blog hostess, Audry Fryer,
please visit   


  1. I like the last paragraph about equality and confidence. It is difficult to have loving relationships when we don't even love ourselves.

    1. I agree and would even go a little further and say it's impossible. Thanks for reading!

  2. Thanks for hosting me today, Audry. Looking forward to a conversation.


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